Eight Steps to a Successful Morning Routine (That Will Also Summon an Ancient God)

Start your day the right way (by opening a dimensional rift)

Photo by Casey Horner on Unsplash

There’s no sense in lying about it — mornings are hard. But we need to accept that successful people are also morning people.

Don’t despair if you’re one of those people who hates rising before noon and can’t be approached before you’ve chugged at least one coffee. Here’s a morning routine that is guaranteed to set you up for a successful day (and will also summon an ancient god from a dimension of unspeakable horror).

  1. Get up at dawn. I know it’s difficult but seeing the sunrise will really set you up for a day of hitting goals.
  2. Don’t just sit there and stare at the sun, though. Dawn is a great time to meditate or do some yoga. Really get the blood flowing!
  3. Complete your most difficult task first. Have an email you’re really dreading writing? A tricky conversation you’ve been putting off? Do it right away — you won’t have time to procrastinate and make excuses, and anything else the day throws at you will seem easy by comparison.
  4. Draw a pentagram on the floor in readiness for the coming of Al-Tun, the Ancient One, the World-Eater.
  5. Try to avoid coffee, if you can. Artificial stimulants are no good. Instead, after you’ve completed your difficult task (see step 3) reward yourself with fruit juice, or a nice cool glass of water.
  6. Make a blood sacrifice to Al-Tun, the Ancient One, the World-Eater. Doesn’t have to be anything fancy like a full human sacrifice. Use your own blood, or maybe kill a small rodent. Try to get the blood into the pentagram you’ve drawn (see step 4) if at all possible. Don’t worry too much if you make a mess, though, because when Al-Tun arrives you will see this world for insignificant spec of nothing it really is, and will understand that darkness waits at the end of all things.
  7. Take a break from work and write an entry in your gratitude journal. If you don’t have a gratitude journal, start one! It’s pretty simple, just write down at least one thing every day that you’re grateful for. It could be the sunrise, your partner or children.
  8. Stare in awe as the fabric of reality rips to reveal Al-Tun, the Ancient One, the World-Eater, in a form your puny human brain can scarcely comprehend. BOW BEFORE THE WORLD-EATER AS HE DEVOURS YOUR REALITY AND YOU SUCCUMB TO THE DARKNESS HE BRINGS. THERE IS NOTHING NOW BUT DEATH.

And that’s it! A really simple eight-step morning routine for a successful day (that will also summon an ancient god). All hail the Ancient One!

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David is an author and freelance writer. He has two short story collections available, and his non-fiction work has appeared on The Mighty, WhatCulture and Just Football, among others.

Navigating parenting with a disability and trying to write a novel. Email: davefox990@hotmail.com

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