No-One Wants to Talk About My Model Train Collection but Everyone Is Curious About My Collection of Severed Human Hands
What a double standard.
When I’m at a party and want to turn a dull conversation into one about my extensive model train collection I’m greeted with silence and eye rolls. Maybe, at best, an awkward cough.
But I let slip one time that I possess a collection of severed human hands and the conversation never stops. Suddenly curiosity is everywhere and people are asking questions like:
“Wait, you have a WHAT?”
“Why do you have that?”
And of course
“More importantly, HOW do you have that?”
I couldn’t pay someone to talk to me about my perfectly rendered scale model of the Prague metro, but my severed hand collection is trending on Twitter — even total strangers are talking about it.
My ex-wife Sharon called my rare Princess Elizabeth locomotives “boring” and yet my much more mundane haul of severed hands is, according to a Police Officer I recently met, “a matter of great interest” to them. My trains are “an irrelevant distraction” but the hands are “a very serious crime”. People need to get their priorities straight.
How are hands more interesting than model trains, seriously? Hands are everywhere (particularly in my basement, strung up on a washing line across the room) but the rarer kind of model trains are really hard to find.
Also hard to find: a lawyer who will defend a man found with a collection of severed hands in his basement. If you know one, send them my way. Oh and also, if you’re interested in purchasing some model trains let me know. I might need some bail money. See, my trains aren’t “totally worthless” now, are they Sharon?
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David is an author and freelance writer. He has two short story collections available, and his non-fiction work has appeared on The Mighty, WhatCulture and Just Football, among others. He wants to make it clear that he collects neither model trains nor severed hands.